Can't take it in

Sometimes you just feel like unable to take things in anymore. There has been so much, too much, going on for the past few days alone. During these kind of days, you earnestly hoped that this was all a dream. A bad one, and unbelievably realistic kind.
Here is what happened: last Monday, after going back from the gym and school, and after driving to another town, on the way back, being a clumsy driver as I am, I feel asleep. To conclude it, I had an accident. The car went off the curb, knocked over a tree and a utility box, and nearly brought down a lamp post. Besides being a traumatizing event, it totaled the car.
Without getting into too much details: it was a costly incident. On the bright side, the insurance "promises" to cover for the property damage (even now I dare not to think how much it would cost to replace/ fix a utility box), on the down side, it does not cover the collision. How ironic.

Here is what I am getting at: uncertainty. Of all human feelings, I despise uncertainty the most. For me, it is a twin of insecurity. Being uncertain, I would almost always feel insecure.
I am by nature a pessimist (although many acquaintances of mine saw me as the most optimistic person they ever knew. It is in a sense, true, and my optimism was not a mere facade. Yet there was another side of me that would constantly be flowing with worries and cynicism). Due to past experiences and whatever else, I do not easily trust people. In this case, I was being frequently haunted by the thought that the box would not be covered by the insurance, my mind immediately jumped forward to the future about not being able to pay for the insurance after the accident (it will, undoubtedly, increase after this term), etc. Those thoughts haunt me in sleep.
I cannot almost take it in anymore. There is simply too much concern of the future. I want to freeze the time. Why can't life give me a break even just for a couple days?
Of course, rambling will never solve the problem. I must face it. It is no use to cower away. It is very uncomfortable, and so easy to deviate and getting distracted from solving the problem. I guess this is part of human nature: procrastination. I am so not looking forward to have my problem fixed straightly. There is always things popping up that would distract me from doing what a man oughtta do.
Perhaps I sounded like whining. Maybe it is true. Of course this is not all. There are other small things happening at almost the same time. It is as if catastrophes are lining up in front of my door and knocking in one by one. Those things I will not mention here... just yet.
But, yeah. I can not, and should not stop here. Life goes on. I am not the most miserable person on this planet. There are others who are having it way, way worse, and would trade for anything to swap with me. I am, in a sense, suffocating myself with worries that are not necessarily going to really happen. It is always the worse scenario that I am afraid of. I expect the worse to come, so when it actually happens, I would be ready, or so I thought.
Even I do not believe it is a healthy habit.
C.S. Lewis, when commenting on the Lord's Prayer, mentioned that Jesus asked for "our daily bread" only. Meaning to not worry about tomorrow's bread, for each day has its own share of Grace and Divine Providence. Live as if you will die today, said James Dean. What I am to make of them? If there is a moral message to be drawn, is that I live for today and this day only. The past I am not there anymore; whilst I never, and will never, live in the future. I exist presently. I exist now. I only exist today. My tomorrow is my tomorrow's today.
By worrying about tomorrow, I am also being doubtful to God's providence. Everything that I ever had has been given by God, many of them without me asking. God is always there. In some occasion things did not turn out the way I expect, while some it did. Either way, one thing I can be confident about, is that it is for the best. My feelings may complain otherwise, that God is being unjust and playing tricks with my life; think again, who, really, knows better: a man of finite knowledge, or the omniscient Being with infinite knowledge? I may look for 10 days ahead and still find nothing good, but God, who sees the past, present, future may already know that things happen for the best. I might be put in the most uncomfortable spot, but it is for my best. I do not know what the heck, or why, but I am well-assured that it will, perhaps in the long run, be an edifying experience. Maybe He wanted me to rely more to Him (a thing I have NOT done ever since the calamity happened), or something else. I do not know. I need to stop listening to the roaring of my feelings and instead continue to be a faithful, hopeful servant.
Yes, I still cannot see why God let this to happen, and I am still kinda angry to nobody and wanted to sock somebody off, but I won't. I will just do the reasonable things to do and get on with life. I have faith in Him.

Hey!

Hey, I'm still alive!
=O

Just add colors =D

_{Hullo! Haha. It has been a couple days =D}
This time, I'm starting to use watercolor pans (and waterbrush)
They aren't perfect, but I'm getting there =D
Practice practice and practice! ;)








(From left to right, up to bottom:
1. First color test. It just HAS to be an apple lol.
2. Drawing of Nathan Fowkes' drawing.
4. Drawing of Steve McCurry's photograph
5. Drawing of Tracie76's photostock (deviantart =D)
6. Drawing of Steve McCurry's photograph
7. Unfinished, hasted drawing of my cousin. He looks too chubby! =\
8. Drawing of Steve McCurry's photograph, and a GK Chesterton's quote. It says: (mine missing the few last lines of the first stanza =\)

There is more than meets the eye. Read it over and between the lines!

"After one moment when I bowed my head

And the whole world turned over and came upright,

And I came out where the old road shone white.

I walked the ways and heard what all men said,

Forests of tongues, like autumn leaves un-shed,

Being not unlovable but strange and light;

Old riddles and new creeds, not in despite

But softly, as men smile about the dead

The sages have a hundred maps to give

That trace their crawling cosmos like a tree,

They rattle reason out through many a sieve

That stores the sand and lets the gold go free:

And all these things are less than dust to me

Because my name is Lazarus, and I live."

There is more than meets the eye. Read it over and between the lines!

=D

Happy almost Chritsmas!

December (and it's huge!)

No, I really do HAVE been drawing!
I finished my third moleskine, and now I'm trying out this Piccadilly notebook (if there's ever anything that come close to moleskine imitator, this would be it! With freakishly similar design, cover, pages, size, etc! I smell conspiracy lol!)
Good news is, it's one third the price of moleskine lol.
No, I'll get back using moleskine again eventually; but for now, I'm too poor =D
All images are drawn using either Lamy fountain pen / Rotring Art Pen (with noodler black ink)

Cut to the case, here they are! =D





L: Experiment using waterbrush. It creates this really cool old school wash effect =D
R: Photo by Steve McCurry



L: Original drawing by Tiepolo
R: Original painting by Frans Hal



Toilet Aesthetic.
Go figure lol



R: Original photograph by Steve McCurry




Both are copy drawings by Rembrandt



R: Original photograph by Steve McCurry
(if you notice, I did drawing of the same model on my last post. I did a total of um.. five? maybe more... drawings of her. Somehow there's something in her that captivates =D





L: CS Lewis' quote from the book, Mere Christianity
R: Original photograph by Steve McCurry





R: Original photograph by Steve McCurry



L: Original drawings by Rembrandt
R: Drawing of Steve McCurry



L: Original drawing by Rembrandt
R: Original photograph by Steve McCurry



R: Original drawings by Rembrandt



L: Experiment using graphite sticks + waterbrush



Copy of Rembrandt's drawing



R: Original photograph by Steve McCurry
My best one yet lol.

Enjoy, and have a merry happy supercalifragilisticexpialidocioustastic Christmas!

November

Long time no see!
My life has officially overturned by the super awesomeness of God. For the last 1-2 months, things have been so utterly unpredictable. God chooses to reveal His uberness to me. I'm so blessed. Haha. I've never ever felt so fulfilled and happy in my life =D

Don't get it wrong, being a Christian doesn't mean I'm going to start marching on the street with a flag that says repent or go to hell. We DON'T do that. There is a depth and still yet mysteries of Christianity. It's amazing, perplexing, and (was, is, and will) never an easy road to take, but exceedingly worth it nonetheless. It gives us reason and hope. I don't know, like. I don't think there is a word exist in this world to describe the butterflies of glee in my stomach. I'm not going to start averting the purpose of this sketch blog into a preach blog. But let me say this one thing:

Give Christianity a chance. Fully open your heart and mind, for once set aside everything, and ask God very sincerely to reveal Himself to ya. Chances are you will not see an angel descends from nowhere into your room and it suddenly floods with blinding light. What I'm saying is, feel it. Do you feel a slight difference inside? If do, cultivate it. I believe God WILL do that if you are truly being honest. It's such a precious thing, the feeling that you get fully knowing that there IS a God who cares.


Yeah. I totally filled up another (pocket-size) moleskine, and bought a larger version of it. It fills up fast. I've been drawing like a machine. Haha.

Here's a page:





Original photograph is taken by Steve McCurry.
(Phaidon.com)
I'm merely doing one of his photographs (the one on the right)
For some totally inexplicable reason, this one particular photograph (taken at Feyzabad, Afghanistan, 1990) really catches my attention.
There's a furtive strong emotional appeal that just totally intrigues me. Words fail me.

Anyway, my point is, I've been thinking for the longest time on what I'm going to become.
Honestly, and I am frankly do not mean to gloat or whatever, I could probably easily live off my life becoming an animator or freelance illustrator or whatever if I continue doing whatever I've been doing. But I think I'm beginning to see what God wants me to do. I dunno. I am not yet completely sure, and there is an over 90% chance that I'd change my mind about this; I want to become a traveling artist. Maybe doing a journal blogger or something relevant.
I want to travel around the world, rich and poor, good and bad, and just like, to experience it. I feel like my life would be too short and futile if I don't take an unorthodox step further than most people.
Iunno. I'm probably saying nonsense right now. But yeah, I want to use this "gift" for the goodness of other people. I don't want to yearn for personal fame. Iunno. This is so totally crazy stuff I'm saying.
This very same reason drives me to strive.


=D

New Sketchbook!

Bought my second Moleskine's pocket sketchbook on Friday. The old one officially retired today.

This time, I'm going all out. I'm not limiting myself with just pens and pencils and some cheesy brush pens.
I'm going to start experimenting with other medias like washes, like watercolors. Especially watercolors.



Graphite.
One of the best favorite actress ever.
Sorry if she's kinda hard to tell who. It still not quite distinctive enough.
Note to self: need to work on that, the characteristic. All the facial of my life human figure drawing looks the same. =\





Voila!
Watercolor test with one of those pocket-size mini watercolor set (comes with 12 tiny pans and super cute brush =D
Ok. First impression: awkward!
I is totally unlike painting with oil/acrylic, where you have to actually "scrape" the gum and I can't get a consistent color. Mixing color is a nightmare. Haha.
Oh, I'll figure this one out and get the proper techniques eventually, pretty soon.





Sepia pencil + brush pen + pencil graphite.
It's symbolic. Haha.

So the retreat went

Unforgettable.

Ok, so here's what and how it went down: Just two or three weeks back, CCC mentioned about upcoming retreat held by Cal Poly Pomona. To cut the chase short, I went; apparently there were only three of us from our campus, Mt. Sac, who participated (that includes ME!)
Pretty tough, huh? Haha. I'm somewhat didn't mind about it at all. I LOVE meeting new people. My whole life for the past year has been nothing but a series of encounters with random living human beings.
It's called um... Camp Seely? Seeley? I think the handout spells it differently from the actual sign up there. Yeah.

It went on from Friday to Sunday. We arrived at sundown. The place wasn't vastly spacious, but it was pretty huge, still. Ok. Um. Anyway, it was such a blast. I'm going to pick out the events randomly.
Ok, first, there was the games. It was fun, and it was designed so everybody will get to know each other. Then there was the dance. Yeah. It was super exhilirating, not forgetting exhausting.

The gist is, the message. Yes, it was a Christian event-thing. There was actually two issues that were talked about, but unfortunately only one really hit me. Hahah.

Ok, so the speaker, friggin' awesome person, was referring to the book of 2nd Timothy. Paul's last letter. Like, ever. I guess that kinda makes it like the last words or testimony or something.
Anyway here's what my notes say, that people are falling left and right, and we must set up our goal, our finish line, and resist whatever obstacles, trials, temptations trying to hinder us. Just like Paul did, he put up a good fight. And I guess this sort of relate with the other message, the heavenly treasure for the reward. Yeah.
Ok, that was a very rough summary of what we studied up there.
And here's how I relate it to MYself, is that I have not been putting up a good fight. Maybe because I don't know who to fight for, or the capacity of the fight itself. I have not try hard enough, or maybe I was never attempted to fight at all, in the first place. All these time, I thought that I have been participating in, maybe in reality I haven't. My life has not started yet.
Somewhat and somehow, I related that with this one parable from the Bible about the three servants with talents and such, and associated myself as the third lazy servant. Unfortunately, reminiscing, I could not recall that many occassion when I have given my best. I'm going to have to try much harder from now on.
I need to manifest my skill for God's purpose more. Like, bad.

Pardon my subtleties. It's 12.33 AM and I only had around 10-12 hours of sleep for the past 3 days, and my days have been physically demanding. Haha.


Lastly, I brought camera but inexplicably, I didn't take any pictures. Yes. How weird. I'm odd.


So voila!



Saturday. Couldn't sleep. Cold. Woke up twice: once at three and the other at five.
Decided to take a walk outside instead half an hour later after unsuccessfully trying to go back to sleep.
The back view of the camp facing the forest, sorta. I apologize for the gruesome perspective. I was brain dead.
It looks incomplete, because it is. When I did it, it was SUPER cold, and my fingers literally went stiff.
No sarcasm.